#also realized after a second of thought that i already did have a vocal stim

[ashtonisvibing]

a guy says "yippee!!" ONE TIME and his autistic brain goes "heyo first vocal stim??"

it's me i'm guy

[sins-and-wins-with-vix]

Everything Right/Wrong with “Rebooted” E1: The Surge

Sooo it’s been awhile but we’re back! Disclaimers: Show owned by LEGO. This is not a professional review/critique - it’s mainly intended for comedy!

Make sure to reblog, comment, and like! And tell me your thoughts!

- This season is titled “Rebooted,” get it? Cuz the show got rebooted for this season after it was supposed to end? And also the season itself deals with technology? And also if you’re anything like me this season makes you wanna reboot yourself so you can forget chunks of it ever happeneD- ❌

- Not my favorite intro or remix, but I still gotta admit it’s pretty cool, even if I do miss the family photo-like style of the OG ✅

- In the original intro it was just Cole, but now it seems that everyone except for Lloyd has lost their smiling privileges ❌ (the pic below shows everyone with their masks up but it’s taken from a later ep)

- The longer you look at this image, the more awkward the poses get… Seriously, look at all of them for a good while and try to explain what they’re doing ❌

- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… this show knows music! 2 seconds into the actual episode and this score is already giving me goosebumps ✅

- ^ There’s a lot to say about this photo so I’m just gonna break it down here:

- Jay rocking the pose ✅

- Zane tried ✅

- Kai leaning on Jay… and maybe struggling to balance while doing so? ✅

- Cole is giving Dareth a piggy-back ride and I think we all wish we were Dareth right now ✅

- And Lloyd is very confused as to where the camera is apparently ✅

- “Ninjago City soon became… New Ninjago City.” Creative. ❌

- Also it’s never actually referred to as “New Ninjago City” much after this season, or even in it tbh ❌

- “And it became the center for great technological advancements.” Most of which will exit and re-enter the plot at any given time that’s most convenient for the writers because who needs continuity? ❌

- At first I was gonna ask who tf sings in the shower like this (Kai was just making random, loud noises - no actual words, and it didn’t seem like humming) but while typing I realized that this actually seems more akin to vocal stimming so… neurodivergent Kai canon? ✅

- “Brad got an ultra remote from New Ninjago City and it’s controlling Mr. Zane!” HOW? ❌

- “Mr. Cole is the worst!” Child echoes most of the fandom this early in the show’s run ❌

- Kai’s pudding cup was sitting in his bag with no lid or covering whatsoever ❌

- Wait, the ninja don’t have powers anymore because they don’t have the blades, so how did Zane freeze Jay’s pudding cup? I get that he’s a nindroid, but he doesn’t use ice powers for anything else until later this season when they officially get their powers back ❌

- “Why is it that whenever I teach, I get the feeling that none of the boys are listening?” Oh, I know the answer to this one!⬇️

- “I saved you some pudding.” “What did we talk about?” “Oh, right, boundaries.” You probably have some questions right now, like, “did Jay and Nya break up?” And “Why did they break up?” And most importantly, “are we ever gonna get answers to these questions?” And the answer to that is: No. live and die in wonder ❌

- They get clearance for a field trip that they have to take the day of? You could argue that Borg was in a rush to get the techno blades to the ninja and wanted to take this opportunity while he still could, and Wu really wanted to do this field trip so Nya jumped at it as well, and to that I say… that’s actually a pretty good argument. Well done.

- “If you ask me, people should concern themselves with the lessons of the past - not waste their time on disposable fads of tomorrow…” Of all characters, why would Kai have this sentiment? Especially since they already established Cole as the “lame” one. I guess I wouldn’t say it’s entirely ooc, but it still makes it abundantly clear that they had no idea what they wanted to do with Kai this season ❌

- Wu instructs Nya to “get a move on,” which she does, and immediately drives down a steep mountain, while Wu stands, unsupported, in the front of the bus ❌

- But ya know what? Nya saw her chance to attempt murder and went with it, and I can respect that ✅

- “Wow… you leave town a short while and-“ everything becomes tinted in blue?

- This bit where everything tech-related doesn’t wanna work for Kai is even funnier when you consider that it’s technically all sentient and controlled by the Overlord ✅

- “Your hardware is outdated and your processor is slow and incompatible with ours.” Line is not followed by air horns ❌

- “Even now, he is working on a digiverse…” foreshadowing ✅

- “They have a perfect match console!” Why do I feel a part of my soul dying?

- “What’s perfect match?” Seriously, why do I have this gut feeling that something very very bad is about to happen… like I’m about to witness a moment that will forever go down as this show’s worst writing decision ever?

- “It finds your perfect partner with flawless results!” Wait…

- “Hello, Nya…” No…

- “You are an independent, self-confident young woman who refuses to be in a boy’s club…” please… please don’t do this

- ^ OH GOD F*CKING D*MMIT ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌

- “I would’ve guessed ninja to sneak in the window… not take the elevator.” Apparently, Borg wanted the ninja to rob him ❌

- There’s no way Jay was this big a fan of Borg but didn’t know he had prosthetic legs ❌

- Most people have heard by now that the inclusion of Borg being disabled wasn’t really done for the sake of representing disabled people so much as it was for the convenience of the situation, but you’d think at least one of the writers would’ve said, “hey, maybe this statue we’re making of a character who can’t use their legs SHOULDN’T be STANDING normally on those two legs?” Could it really have been that hard to work the wheelchair into that statue design? Really? ❌

- “First you call us pedestrians and now we’re assailants?!” Jay finds these both equally insulting, which is not only hilarious, but also in-character since Crystalized showed us the only thing that offends the ninja more than being considered evil is being considered average ✅

- “Let the elevator have the techno-blades Kai! I think its made its point!” Jay has the backbone of a noodle, which we knew but still

- “Looks like we just quit our day jobs!” Don’t think I didn’t just see Cole’s mouth move with Kai’s voice ❌

- “Why don’t boys ever listen to me???” D*mmit, Nya do I need to bring the misogyny gif back out?

- “It’s not sharp. Why even call it a blade!?” Good question ❌

- Also, did you really need to test it out to see it wasn’t sharp? Couldn’t you have just, ya know, looked? ❌

- *glass cracks* “Oh snap.” ✅

- Why would breaking the window cause them all to immediately fly out of it? Before someone who actually understands physics comes into my comment section and explains how this works, I’m gonna cut you off and say I refuse to believe there’s an explanation that wouldn’t violate at least one health and safety protocol. OSHA: my scapegoat so I don’t have to learn how science works! ❌

- “You tried to give them the only thing that could defeat me and thought I wouldn’t notice?!” You DIDN’T notice - not until the ninja broke the statue - and tbh, you really should’ve. I get Overlord had to be cautious so as not to reveal himself too early on, but he literally watched Borg invite the ninja to his office, tell them it’s better if Lloyd wasn’t there, then send them off with a massive statue as a parting gift. Hell, Overlord has constant eyes on Borg, right? Did he not see him making new suits and shoving them, along with the blades, into the statue? ❌

- “A PROMISE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!” Admittedly, I have problems with Overlord this season, but I will NEVER insult his voice acting ✅

- I really can’t tell if Borg is screaming or laughing in this scene, which is probably the only reason it made it past the censors ❌

- “Cole, throw me!” “Excuse me?!?” “Throw me!” ✅

- I know it’s just the first episode, but I’m curious as to what they’re gonna do for new toys sets this wave- “The techno blade must’ve hacked the hover-copter’s system! Zane controls it!” Oh, there they are

- “*lying* I always said Mr. Cole was my favorite!” Accurate representation of middle schoolers… I’m counting that as a sin ❌

- “Anyone else feeling all tingly inside?” No!… maybe… ✅

- “I have given you new outfits to help block the facial recognition software.” They never actually do this. ❌

- “Robots vs. ninja? Dare I ask?” Someone mentioned awhile ago that Lloyd enters like a guest star on a sitcom and honestly they’re right ✅

- Also family hug! ✅

- “With a 4.2% chance of success, I’d say hope is slim.” “That’s why it’s called hope, Zane!” I actually have a lot to say about Zane’s arc this season, but for now I’m just gonna win this as foreshadowing and move on ✅

- “We will, but only when you’re safe!” “He wants these weapons, and for some reason, he also wants you. Remember, this was sensei’s plan. They can’t break him!” “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has yet to come. We need to worry about today!” “You said it, Zane!” “We will come back to New Ninjago City, and when we do, we’ll be ready!” I get Jay isn’t really depicted as the wise one, but was it really fair of the writers to take four inspirational, end-of-episode lines and only split them among 3 of 4 characters? Come on, give him a little credit! ❌

- ^ No. assembly line system. Could ever. F*cking. Function like this. ❌

Sentence: Ninjago Reboot….. (1/4)

[ambarto]

Finwean Ladies Week Day One: Miriel

I really wanted to participate in @finweanladiesweek, but for a variety of events I haven’t really had time to write as much as I wanted and I only have one fic ready which will be for the last day of the week. As it is, I’ve instead decided of essentially writing down some of my headcanons about a lady for each day.

For day one the prompt was Miriel and Indis, and as such I’ve decided to talk about Miriel, given that I have a lot of headcanons about her that I’ve never talked about, so below the cut a list of all my favorite hc’s about her, which hopefully someone else will like too.

Miriel was born in Cuivienen, and as long as she remembered she had always been fascinated by the faint light one could see on the horizon on particularly clear days. When Orome came telling the Elves of Valinor, Miriel was one of those who thought he had to be speaking the truth about this wonderful land. She was even more convinced when Finwe came back and told them of Valinor and of all the things the Valar had made. Her parents, however, two of the first awakened Elves, were two of the people who decided to stay behind, not trusting Orome. It was hard for Miriel to leave behind not just the land she was born into, but her family as well. However, Miriel was through all her life (and death as well) a stubborn woman and her mind could rarely be changed after it was made. Even if the choice came with many hardships for her, she decided to go to Valinor, and refused to change her mind about it.

She became close to Finwe during the journey. They had already known each other before, but only as acquaintances. He admired the strength she showed in standing by her choices even if they hurt her, and tried to be close to her. He fell in love with her somewhere around what would later be called the Misty Mountains. Miriel, for her part, took a fairly long time to realize her feelings for Finwe were romantic in nature: only after she’d already liked him for a long time she understood her interest wasn’t purely platonic. Finwe didn’t have a lot of time to think about romance once they reached Valinor, as he had to coordinate the construction of Tirion, but the two of them married soon after the Noldor started to build the city.

Miriel didn’t have a lot of friends, but Indis was one of them. Indis was a little younger than Miriel, and the two of them got along very well ever since Cuivienen. Their relationship soured a little after Miriel got engaged to Finwe, although but they didn’t argue. Indis simply started spending more time with the other Vanyar and less with the Noldor, and Miriel didn’t realize it was because it hurt Indis to see her friend engaged to the one Indis loved, because out of respect for Miriel and Finwe’s decision Indis did not speak of her own feelings to her friend. Miriel and Indis however did care much for each other for all of Miriel’s life, and Indis mourned Miriel for a long time when she died.

Even if Finwe and Indis hadn’t later married, Miriel would have probably not been reborn for many, many centuries. She was strong, and it was twice the shock to those who knew her to find out how consumed her spirit had been through her pregnancy with Feanor. There had been instances before of mothers needing a long rest after their children were born, but never so bad. Miriel, well, she had always been an all or nothing kind of woman. She had pushed all of her strength and all of her fea to Feanor while she carried him, to the point that after his birth and before her death she barely had enough left to get out of bed, or speak. In Mandos, she did nothing but exist for the first few years, not just dead but asleep while being dead. It took her time to gather herself, let alone grow strong again, and for a long time coming back to life was something she dared not even think about.

She was actually happy when Finwe and Indis married. She loved them both, and found it rather comforting to know her husband had someone else by his side, as before she had felt guilty of having left him alone with their son. It pained her to see how much Feanor resented Indis, and wished her son would understand Miriel was not offended at all. She also wished Feanor would get along better with his half-siblings, as from what Miriel heard of them they all seemed fairly nice people.

While she came back after Finwe died, she still preferred to keep to herself the majority of the time, and remained in what parts of Mandos the living were allowed to be in. Indis came to visit her, at times, and their meetings were tense at first, but they eventually managed to rekindle their friendship. Miriel also met many of her extended family, many of them curious about meeting the woman who had given birth to Feanor, but for all her second life she preferred to stay in Mandos than to go back to live with other Elves.

Before she became known for her needlework, Miriel was talented at making rope. Sewing was still very rudimentary work in Cuivienen and Elves didn’t overly suffer the cold, and back then they didn’t mind simply dressing in furs or even walking around naked. Rope, on the other hand, was something that was often needed, and Miriel enjoyed the work, never having been able to sit around with her hands still. She did sew, if necessary, but it was only after coming to Valinor that she took up weaving and embroidering and they became her true passions.

Miriel was autistic. People often considered her somewhat awkward in conversation, as she disliked eye contact and often struggled to figure out what the appropriate facial expression was for a situation. She rarely understood what other people were feeling, unless she was given very clear signals about it. She had the tendency of getting lost in her work, and at times had to be reminded to put down the needle and get some food, or water, or sleep. Loud noises and crowds were the bane of her existence, but on the other hand she enjoyed strong flavors and scents and her favorite foods all had as many spices as possible. She talked a lot, to the point of at times being hyperverbal, and enjoyed vocal stims, like singing, humming, or even just repeating certain words under her breath over and over.

She was usually gentle and caring, but she could be more stubborn than any mule. She was hard to anger, but if someone did manage to piss her off then they would meet an ire that was perhaps only second to the one Feanor later could develop. While not overly involved with politics, she was always willing to help Finwe with decisions if needed.

Finwe and many of those who knew Miriel often found themselves thinking that she and Feanor would have gotten along wonderfully, as Feanor grew. While Feanor never really picked up sewing, he admired crafts of all kind, and had his mother been alive to teach him maybe he would have become a renowned weaver in addition to all his other achievements. Not to mention, Miriel used to have fairly strong opinions on language - specifically, about pronunciation, and on how certain words should sound. Sometimes, Finwe would find Feanor working on his linguistic treaties and muttering a word under his breath over and over, trying to gauge the sound of it and the way the accents fell and what pronunciation would be considered the best for it, and was always struck with the thought of how wonderful it would have been to see Miriel sitting next to Feanor and giving him her thoughts and advice.

[solarcitymelodies]

Wowza sorry y'all about the random massive Rockafire spam, I'm pretty sure ??most?? People on here? know me for just Knight Rider because that's the only thing I've ever REALLY posted about--

but I Do Not Care it's RAE hours right now so uhhh here's some headcannons that probably aren't Canon compliant very much because I just got into RAE like last week

So like. I feel like Mitzi is a Good Amount younger than the rest of the band like she was in highschool when she joined, the rest of em were all Adults™ and she was a little bit nervous about it because...... ADULTS™

She was just lookin for a place to get her singing voice out there, because ya girl REALLY wanted to perform, and showbiz happened to have a slot open, but she did not expect all of the members to be older than her (although looking back, she realized she probably should have expected that)

It was intimidating at first but Billy Bob and Fatz were just the absolute sweetest and they introduced her properly to the rest of the band because she was like "oh I barely talk to them because I get nervous :(" and the resident dads p much said "aight we can do all the talking for you then, how about that?" And badabing badaboom she's now attached to these two and like honestly who isn't or maybe that's just me but ANYWAYS I feel like the band would become a second home/safe space for her

Yeah fr some reason I have BIG long headcannon for her joining the band but the rest of them? Nobody knows how they got there for all I know they just Showed Up One Day

Also I came across this

https://youtu.be/UU7BeUWQBDI

Which got me thinkin about what my headcannons were as far as sexuality/gender stuff

And I find the concept of Billy Bob being Very Much Straight And Ignorant but trying his hardest to be a good ally SO funny like if someone came out to him he'd probably be like "oh!! I don't understand why you would choose that lifestyle but I respect you!!" not realizing how incredibly stupid he sounds sjkrjh like I don't think he can very easily wrap his head around how people are just. not cishet. so he's like "OH then it must be a choice, right? like you can choose to be gay but you're born straight. Right?" and everyone just shakes their heads in the background but he does earnestly try his best and my man would rather DIE than disrespect someone's pronouns I know this for sure

Fatz is pretty similar, straight ally and a lil confused but he's got the spirit, you know? He still least knows being gay (as well as,,, m o s t sexualities that aren't straight, although some he doesn't get/know about at all) isn't a choice but he hasn't quite grasped that being trans is also not a choice. He will respect your pronouns to hell and back but by god he doesn't get it,,, he's trying though and he feels very accomplished in himself that he's starting to get the hang of using they/them even though he slips up a lot

The rest of the band encourages the HELL out of these two because they're. Trying their best and making an honest effort which is more than a pretty good chunk of people would give

Rolfe, Earl, and Dook are the reasons Billy Bob and Fatz are trying so hard to understand it lmao

Rolfe took it upon himself to hang up a MASSIVE gay pride flag backstage, being the flaming homosexual that he is, and the rest of the squad quickly realized "oh he's GAY gay he wasn't kidding" because at first they literally thought he was joking as he was actually just being openly and obnoxiously a raging mlm (and like I mean no shade to him this isn't me tryna to make fun of it because my dumb sapphic ass almost crashed my car once because I saw a pretty girl walk down the street. And by "once" I mean. Yesterday.) Anyways yeah that's when the rest of em Realized and were like "OH" but after the massive pride flag was hung up that prompted Dook to come out and they were all like "???? YOU TOO????"

Dook is a non-binary ICON he's a demiboy and goes by both he/him and they/them and probably would have a bunch of pride pins I think,,, I'm not really sure of his sexuality though!! honestly he kinda gives me bisexual vibes but Who Knows . Not me. He has a HELL of a time trying to explain his gender to the rest of the band (except for Rolfe because like. He's a part of the community so he knows) and basically he was met with "so you're just a dude but ✨spicy✨?" and it was like, "no, but I have no idea how to explain it in a way that will make sense to you, so. yes?" And that explanation seemed to suffice for most of them

Mitzi went in knowing NOTHING about what being non-binary was so she asked a l o t of questions about it, which Dook just kinda dealt with answering (he's heard most of it before, and it gets tiring after a while. if you're nb or trans or honestly any part of LGBTQ+ you know what I mean) but he thought it was really sweet of her to be so determined to learn about it and eventually she did get a grasp on it ish, so she was able to understand why it wasn't just ✨spicy male✨ (the conversation pretty much went "well if i was just male, don't you think I would label myself that way instead?" "....oH TRUE!!!") and she ended up a VERY passionate ally, and she'll ask occasionally about how to be better at it, bein a queen as she is ��👉 also definitely started questioning her sexuality after a while and just went with "maybe bicurious" and Rolfe, Dook, and Earl were all like "ONE OF US, ONE OF US"

Earl has never once spoken about his sexuality in his life, because 1. He's very aware that's an awkward conversation to have with a puppet, and 2. He's aroace anyways, which is basically what people assume even if they don't realize it just for their own peace of mind, because seriously, puppets and any identity that ISN'T aroace creates a really uncomfortable mental image for... Most people, pretty much. So it's not like he ever needed to say anything about it, which is convenient for him because he wouldn't want to say anything either way. not worth the risk of embarrassing himself and making everyone feel awkward

(side note ish though Rolfe 100% came out to Earl first and was met with "I already knew that but okay." Rolfe was mildly offended)

And spEAKING OF EARL he's VERY much sentient but he can't say he's particularly enthusiastic about it because Rolfe has to carry him around everywhere

He can move on his own but it's limited and generally annoying to maneuver around with his tiny body so he just says screw it half the time and stays on Rolfe's arm or hitch a ride on Random Object, but like... Yeah, the majority of the time Rolfe just has to deal with only having one arm available and a puppet directly next to him making fun of him at every possible chance

They high-key have chaotic and unorganized college roommate vibes (like they're actually roommates because... Where tf is Earl supposed to go?? So Rolfe took him in) and idk if this is really like a part of my headcannons or if I just think it's funny so I keep entertaining the idea of it but I think it would be Fantastic if Rolfe had no idea how to cook but Earl somehow did so this idiot is trying to take instructions from a puppet, who can't physically show him what to do, and it's like Hell's Kitchen live featuring a furry and a sentient stuffed animal

Aaaaamd going off of my Rolfe and Earl headcannons still Rolfe for SURE has some sort of executive dysfunction issue. ADD or ADHD I'm not sure (probably ADHD) but he definitely has it also this totally isn't just me projecting how dare you accuse me of that

And!!! More about Dook!!!! I don't know how or why I thought up of this but I cannot possibly imagine him any other way now-- he's autistic and space is his Big Huge special interest, and if you ever ask him about it you have to be prepared to get infodumped or possibly even shown a PowerPoint presentation, because GOD he loves space!!! He wants everyone to know all about it!! He knows not everyone thinks it's as cool as he does so he tries to keep his mouth shut but when someone asks about it he can't help himself and will infodump a LOT, also haha drumming stims go brrrr, playing the drums isn't really a stim but he likes to just take his drumsticks and whack em around in the air and get that good ol Wavy Arm Action (wavy arms is best stim change my mind you can't it's GOOD)

Also i bbbbelieve earlier I reposted somethin about someone else headcannoning that he has echolalia, which I don't really know enough about to say anything on it?? But even if he doesn't have echolalia he'd probably repeat phrases over and over until he gets tired of them (which is,,, something I do lmao, it's either memes I get stuck in my head or things I've heard from various medias I like the inflections in (like one tiktokker I saw was talking about their tourettes and their vocal tics and one of them was "uh oh! How unfortunate!" and now I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT)) but like uhhh yeah :))) repeating phrases that get stuck in your head for various reasons for the win

This is already really long so I'm just gonna vibe out thanks for coming to my Ted talk feel free to ask questions I probably won't be able to answer a lot of em though because my headcannons are a Mess hehe >:)

[pronouncingitwang]

wtgfs | 2.5K words | basically a redo of mag94 with more crying and cuddling | for tma h/c week day 6: cradled

Georgie wraps her braids and changes into her pajamas, feeling—not fear, or apprehension, because that’s not possible, but perhaps, less excitement than usual. She normally doesn’t notice her heartbeat, but tonight, she does. It’s stable, but the fact that she checked in the first place is another bad sign.

“You said you wanted to tell me something,” Melanie says as Georgie gets under her blanket.

Georgie nods slowly, then realizes that Melanie can’t see it. “Yeah. I did.”

“I… I might’ve misread you, but it sounded serious?”

Georgie’s heart continues to beat, slow and steady. “A little.”

“Do you want to start?”

“Sure.”

“Talk away, then.”

“Okay.” Georgie shifts into a more comfortable position, then closes her eyes. “You know how I graduated from uni a year late?”

“Yeahh,” Melanie says, slowly. “You said it was for mental health?”

“Right.” Georgie blows out a breath. “Which was true, definitely, but… that’s not the full story. It’s, well…”

The last time Georgie did this, it was with Jon, the Eye drawing the words out of her like sap from a particularly juicy tree. This time, there’s nothing spurring her forward but her own determination. “Blood from a stone” is a far more apt simile.

“Uh, basically, my first year at Oxford, there was some stuff going down with the med students—or wait, I should probably start by saying I had… a friend named Alex… Or… no… that’s not it, either. God,” Georgie groans. “Why is this so hard?”

“Probably because talking sucks,” Melanie says. Georgie laughs, and Melanie adds, “I could… I could hug you while you told me? If that- Would that help?”

Georgie considers it, thinks about burying her face in the scent of Melanie’s citrus shampoo, so different from the antiseptic and decay of the Oxford medical building, thinks about feeling the strength of Melanie’s arms around her as she whispers out her story. “Yeah. Maybe.”

It takes a lot of shuffling around to get into the right positions, especially since Georgie’s vast collection of pillows include a body-sized one that forms what’s practically a wall between the two of them. Melanie sniffles a little as Georgie moves a few pillows to the nightstand, and Georgie makes a mental note to buy some allergy-friendly/dust-resistant pillowcases soon. Then, there’s getting into the hug. At some point Melanie grabs Georgie’s boob, which is… something to revisit. Eventually, though, they’re settled properly, Melanie’s arms around Georgie’s waist and their legs tangled together.

“Ready to try again?” Melanie asks, in a voice Georgie’s pretty sure is meant to imitate her therapist’s. She appreciates the effort to sound soothing.

“Yeah. Okay. Rewind. So, my first year at Oxford…”

Even with the hug, it’s still not as easy as it was with Jon. With Jon, Georgie was practically in a trance, but here, she has to form every word herself, relive every image. It’s like… if the first time was Georgie walking through a fog-lined street, her boots crunching uncomfortably against the ground, the second time is Georgie walking through the same street, except the fog is gone and it turns out she’d been stepping on bird bones or something equally crunchy and awful the entire time, and every step she takes, Georgie has to watch the bones break under her feet and cane. Not only that, but she cares more about Melanie’s opinion than Jon’s. As she stumbles forward, Georgie forgets details, has to backtrack, and leaves a lot of modifiers dangling in the process.

But in some ways, this is also easier. Easier because the background sounds are Melanie’s breathing and occasional vocal stimming instead of the dead whir of a tape recorder. Easier because the main physical sensation Georgie’s experiencing isn’t her skin prickling from Jon’s intense gaze on her face, but the increasingly firm circles Melanie is rubbing into her neck.

“And… now I’m here,” Georgie finishes, inadequately. “The end. Or, I guess, the End, with a capital E, according to Jon.”

Georgie feels Melanie swallow. Then, “Georgie… you’re saying you lost—”

Georgie had figured that that part would call for more explanation, but luckily, she has an explanation prepared. “My ability to feel fear, I know, not necessarily a bad thing—”

“—your best friend,” Melanie finishes, and Georgie stops breathing. Oh.

“What?”

Melanie shifts against Georgie. “Alex Brooke, right? You said… you said she was your only friend at Oxford, and you said you never saw her again.”

Oh, Georgie thinks again, and feels a swell of love and long-buried grief rise up in her chest, oh.

The first few weeks after she woke up, Georgie had been too numb to even wonder what had happened to Alex. The month after that, she’d tried to call her, three times a day, every day. Then, one day, she’d realized that perhaps she should’ve been checking the newspapers instead of her phone. That night was the first time Georgie’s parents had seen her drunk. They’d looked so afraid—something Georgie would never be able to do again. She’d shouted at them until their concern turned to exasperation and spent the next week in bed biting her nails off.

“I guess I… hadn’t thought about that for a while.”

“I’m so sorry, Georgie,” Melanie says. She means it.

“Thanks,” Georgie whispers, for lack of better things to say, and buries her nose further into Melanie’s hair. Her joints are beginning to protest at her staying in this position for so long, but she keeps holding on. Just a few more minutes.

“Do you…” Melanie starts. “Do you miss her?”

“I…” Georgie clears her throat and tries again. “I don’t know,”

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Melanie says. “ I don’t miss my dad most days, and he died a lot more recently than Alex did.”

“Thanks,” Georgie whispers for the second time that night. “I think… I think about her sometimes, but I don’t know if it’s because I miss her, or because… It’s more like… I used to blame myself for going with her instead of- instead of trying to stop her, or pulling her out as soon as I saw how- how fucked up the situation was. And then I spent a lot of time thinking the opposite, blaming her for not leaving well enough alone. I thought, well, ‘Alex already made her choices, and her choices were bad.’ I wished so badly that my younger self had just… stayed away. Let her friend go to her death alone.”

“And now?”

“Now? After you, and Jon, and… Well, now, I don’t know,” Georgie says, and notices, for the first time, that there’s a lump in her throat and that her eyes are stinging. “I don’t”—and then she starts to cry.

Georgie hears the intake of breath from Melanie when she realizes what’s happening, feels Melanie’s thumb stop moving against her neck and just stay there, pressing into her skin. Georgie feels her own throat, choking out various ugly sounds, hears those sounds tear out of her in the form of sobs and ragged breaths. She thinks she might be getting snot on Melanie’s shirt and hair, but she’s shaking too badly to reach for a tissue to wipe it off.

Alex and Jon and Melanie and Alex. She’d failed Alex, or maybe Alex failed her. She’d let Jon stay in her guest room and watched him waste away, and then she’d practically told him that she wished he was dead and to get out of her flat. Melanie—Melanie had wanted Georgie’s help, and Georgie’s help had happened to be what Melanie needed, and Melanie is here and safe, but just for now, and if Georgie fails Melanie like she’d failed Alex she will be so fucking sad, and if Melanie fails Georgie like Alex had failed Georgie, she will be so fucking sad, and if Melanie ends up in a coma or on the run or if they cross each other’s boundaries too much she will be so fucking sad—

The first thing that cuts through the crying isn’t comfort, but a different pain—an ache in Georgie’s lower back that grows persistently harder to ignore. She groans and turns out of Melanie’s arms, back into starfish position on her side of the bed, and Melanie makes a sound of confusion at the sudden loss.

“I moved, it’s- it’s the arthritis,” Georgie explains between one sob and the next, and Melanie says, “Oh, of course.”

—and if either of them grow resentful of each other, then she will be so fucking sad, and if they have money problems or The Admiral dies she will be so fucking sad, and—

Georgie thinks, dully, that crying on her back is very different from crying on her side. Earlier, Georgie could curl into herself, into Melanie, but now, each of her sobs punches upward into empty air. The closest thing to an embrace she has now is her awareness of the potential weight of the ceiling, hanging seven feet above her, out of reach, just like Alex and Jon and maybe, one day—

“Melanie,” Georgie gasps. “Can you… hold my arm or something?”

“Of course,” Melanie responds immediately. Then, “Um, where exactly is your arm?”

“Uh, if you- if you take your hand and go up a little more—”

“Got it.” Melanie says, moving where Georgie has directed her, and for one beautiful second, all of Georgie’s consciousness narrows down to the warmth of those five fingers curling around her skin. Then, she remembers that she’s lying on her bed crying, and the moment is broken. It’s still better now, though, having something to anchor her, something to remind her that she is more than burning eyes and heaving chest.

It takes a while, but eventually, Georgie begins to calm down, her thoughts and breaths slowing down and her muscles loosening. She fumbles for the tissue box and begins to wipe at her face, then passes a few sheets to Melanie.

“I, uh, snotted on your hair a bit,” she explains. “It might be hard to feel, do you want me to get it?” and Melanie nods.

Once they’re all cleaned up and Georgie has fetched them both a glass of water, Melanie turns to her again.

“Is this…” Melanie starts, then stops. “Is this something you want to talk about more, or something you want to be distracted from?”

“I’m… not sure, actually,” Georgie croaks, wiping at her eyes again to catch any stray saltwater. “I just… I wanted you to hear it; I wasn’t really thinking about afterwards.”

“If I had to guess… That sounds like a distraction thing to me? But… I’m not sure what kind of distraction would make you feel better.”

“Well”—Georgie lets out a wet laugh—“you’re already doing miles better than Jon did, at least.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. To be fair, I didn’t cry when I told him about everything. But all he had to say was something about how he”—she puts on Jon’s posh accent and deepens her voice—“‘couldn’t believe I never told him’ or something.”

“What a wanker,” Melanie says, and unlike the other times she’s insulted Jon this week, there’s actual heat behind it.

“An inconsiderate dickhead,” Georgie agrees. “But,” she admits, “I think I’ve been worse to him.”

“I… I’d say so too,” Melanie replies, but thankfully, she doesn’t push Georgie any further in that direction. Melanie’s fingers flex against Georgie’s arm, a signal that they’ll pick up this thread of conversation later. “Though I still think the real dickhead here is Ms. Trauma Corpse of Medicalville.”

Georgie’s giggle comes out weaker than she expected. “Yeah?”

“Absolutely.” In her most passable radio announcer voice, Melanie cries, “Melanie hates her! Local medical corpse discovers supernatural method to traumatize her girlfriend. Click here to learn more and/or stab that fucker with a cool knife cane.”

Georgie laughs again, and Melanie continues, this time in a bad American tourist voice. “I visited Trauma Corpse with my family yesterday afternoon, and I have to say, it’s a real piece of shit. The human equivalent of a moldy chunk of cheese, or rice cooked in a saucepan. Zero out of five stars.”

“Would not recommend,” Georgie adds.

“Exactly. And,” Melanie presses on, returning to her normal voice, “what kind of name is ‘Trauma Corpse’ anyway? White people and their ridiculous baby names, seriously!”

This time, Georgie’s laugh is completely genuine. “I agree. It’s disgraceful. Motherfucking ‘Trauma Corpse.’”

“Motherfucking?” Melanie lets out an exaggeratedly affronted gasp. “She fucked your mother, too? A homewrecker on top of everything else? Do Ms. Corpse’s crimes ever end?”

That’s an awful—but distracting—mental image, which was probably the point. “Clearly not.”

Melanie smiles, and then, very slowly and carefully, moves to rest her cheek in Georgie’s palm. Her next words blow warm against Georgie’s wrist. “Seriously, though, Georgie… the evil thing here is The End, and whatever else may have been animating that body. Not you or Alex.”

Georgie lets the sentence linger in the air for a moment. Not Georgie’s fault. Not Alex’s. The thought wraps around her, not quite touching her skin, but warm. Close. Possible.

“Thanks,” Georgie says for the third time that night. She means it.

“God,” Melanie sighs into Georgie’s palm, “I’m not very good at this distraction thing, am I?”

“No, but it’s still helping. A lot, actually.”

“Good,” Melanie says, and chastely kisses Georgie’s wrist.

A slow smile spreads over Georgie’s face at the feeling. Said smile sparks several thoughts that occur to her in quick succession. She considers said thoughts, then performs a quick self-assessment: joints feel better, heart beating steadily, emotions fairly settled except for the part where she is very, very in love.

Finally, after making sure she’s okay one more time, Georgie turns to her side and scoots closer to Melanie. “I’m moving my hand away,” she warns her, and then, “I’m going to press my forehead to yours,” and lastly, “Can I put my hand on your hip? Cool.”

Having gotten into position, Georgie begins to speak, leaning into the Scouse a little bit more because, as she’s learned, Melanie likes it a lot. “Speaking of distracting me… if you really wanted to do that, I have a few suggestions.”

“Oh!” Melanie practically squeaks. Georgie adores her. “Do you mean sex?”

“Yes. I was thinking maybe… you could ride me? If you’d like.”

Even in the dark, Georgie can sense Melanie’s eyebrows rising. “Well… yes, I would like, but… are you okay for it?”

“Hey now,” Georgie says, “just because we’re dating now doesn’t mean we can’t continue to have sex in un-ideal emotional circumstances.” Melanie huffs out a laugh, but Georgie still clarifies, “But yes, I feel good, and I think you’re wonderful, and this isn’t a shitty coping mechanism or anything. Promise.”

“Okay, then,” Melanie says, audibly smiling. “One distraction, coming right up.”

“Emphasis on come—“ Georgie begins, but is cut off rather pleasantly by Melanie’s mouth.

Georgie kisses Melanie back. As she does so, she feels her heart begin to race.

[confessionsofaplayer2]

I apologize if this becomes pretty lengthy; there’s just a lot to unpack here. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and I’m really trying to organize the thoughts in my brain. I’ve been wondering about autism and my possibly having it. As I said, this is probably going to be long as it goes into many details of my life.

So, here we go.

I grew up in a house with a lot of brothers. the one slightly older than me had textbook ADHD and, when we were younger, would speak for me and tell my mother everything I wanted/needed. It’s not that I couldn’t speak, it was more that I just… didn’t feel the need to in most cases. But that was something he could only do for me when we were at home.

School was always very frustrating. Getting into class for the first time was exciting but I always took a backseat to watch and observe. I had a “best friend” who was much more outgoing than me and, in many cases, her friends would become my friends because I followed her like a shadow. It was chalked up to shyness when I was in elementary school. Although, if I were to get overly frustrated, my body would default to tears and it was nearly impossible to get a word out of me once I started crying. It was like my throat would close over my vocal cords.

(This still happens on occasion now, but I have a much better handle on my emotions than I did back then. When I think about it, my mind always goes into comparing it to fainting goats. When they’re little and they get excited or scared, their legs seize up and cause them to fall over. As they age, they get better control. While their legs still tighten and become immobile, they no longer fall over nearly as much. Anyway, small tangent within a tangent.)

I had a teacher in fourth grade who was very good at handling this. He would sit me down, tell me to take deep breaths and calmly wait until I calmed down to ask what was wrong. It must’ve been frustrating to him to hear me say “I don’t know” nearly every time.

As far as academics go, I was a horrible student. Sure, I showed up to nearly every lesson (I was and still am rarely sick) I would listen and take notes, but something would always be missing. It took a lot of tests (all by the school) to find out how my brain worked. Whenever it’s explained to me, it just sounds like a longer process. My mother called it “taking the scenic route.”

Basically, if the quickest way from point A to point B is a straight line, my brain will try to circle around them. This, at the start, makes it look like I’m veering off to left field rather than going straight for it. But, when I’m left alone and not rushed, I eventually get there. Math is especially hard for me, though.

It was in high school when all the testing got really bad. In middle school, I had to take speech class rather than my first year of Spanish (which meant taking more Spanish in high school) This was also during the beginning of the “no child left behind” thing. Every year, there would be a sit down with my parents and the teachers and they would talk about what might be wrong with me.

ADD came up a lot. They wanted to put me on Riddlin, which I did not take. Besides, I had no problem focusing on things that interested me.

There were three teachers that understood that. I had them all multiple times. My History teacher got me to focus by reminding me history was just stories like the ones I enjoyed writing. My English teacher saw I had a knack for writing and made a focus around that (once, he threatened to take away a writing job from me if I didn’t get it done by a certain date. I had it done by the week’s end.)

I also had a science teacher multiple times. Because I had taken his class a second time, he would give me puzzles in the cases where I finished tests from just remembering the material from the year before.

All of them had a keen understanding that I wasn’t necessarily as dumb as everyone else assumed. My history teacher actually stormed into the last meeting and told everyone I was fucking fine and to leave it alone. My step-father clapped and screamed, “thank you!”

By that time, we were all tired. My parents were tired of the meetings and the failing report cards. I was tired of feeling like a lab rat and going through test after test. So, when my mother turned to me one day and asked “do you think you might be autistic?” I didn’t want to hear it. I’d had enough.

(Also, it’s worth pointing out that this was almost 15 years ago. Autism research was nowhere near what it is today. It came with a stigma that I didn’t think I could handle.)

So, we let that sit. I got through high school by the skin of my teeth. I tried my hand at college but dropped out when I realized I was paying for the same type of grades from high school. I moved on with life for a while. My thinking patterns weren’t so horribly inconvenient in the real world. I still had a younger brother who helped me navigate most of it.

But, over the last few years, I wondered if maybe there was something to my mother’s question. There are a lot of things that line up which I hadn’t mentioned on here. High school was also full of fictional characters I swore were real, hyper fixations on things and (most of the time) said fictional characters. Subtle stimming such as folding all my fingers around my middle and making a fist when I was upset (I still do this. I also rub at my face a lot.) An oral fixation where I will stick things in my mouth to chew on absentmindedly. I am horrible at remembering to feed myself on a regular basis unless its already built into a routine. My hyper fixations are still around and I still discover new ones. I had to be trained on eye contact by the same brother who spoke for me. And I constantly have to reword things to make people who don’t know me too well understand what I’m trying to say. I become especially incoherent when I’m excited about something. (Where I live now, there’s a little island of goats near a group of bars that take care of them and I was so excited about the idea that I couldn’t get the right words out to tell my brother. It had to be translated. I like goats, if you can’t tell.)

So… there it is. Some of my thoughts in all their glory. There’s much more to talk about, but I guess this is the meat of it.

Soooo, yeah.